did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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