Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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