I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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