Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
