nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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