Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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