According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
