I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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