I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
