I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
In other news, I just burned my penis
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
