the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
