Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
