hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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