New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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