The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
