end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
