There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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