I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
