His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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