I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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