He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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