all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
