You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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