Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
