anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
