Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
