You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
handjob tips. give me some.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
