don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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