So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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