You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
