You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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