So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize