aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
