just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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