she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize