Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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