We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
