He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Randomize
