I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
