Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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