i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
