Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
