its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
this boner is exhausting
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
