Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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