Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
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