You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
