"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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