I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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