talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
