1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
