Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
