She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
