Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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