I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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