i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
