I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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