New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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