Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
So apparently I’m into choking now
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
