I'm so fucking centered right now
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
