Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
