apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
