my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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