Moan for me like Helen Keller
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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