So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
