I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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