um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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