I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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