we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize