Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
