Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Randomize
