I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
