Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
