Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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